My stomach hasn't stopped hurting for 3 days...
with any luck, i'm perishing.
Or giving birth to Alien.
Oh yes, it's also February the 13th. One of two of the shittiest days of the year.
I miss you, grandpa.
I'm finally ready to re-experience the heartbreak again.
Bring on the tissues.
It's taken me YEARS.
Years to realize just how big of a bastard you are.
And i never thought i'd say it, but i hate you.
I hate everything you stand for.
You used to be so eloquent and thoughtful. Now you're just like every other self-absorbed playboy-wannabe bastard out in this sucky world.
I don't ever wish to see you.
If ever have the misfortune of running into you on the street, and your pathetic gaze meets mine, i won't see you.
You know why?
Because you don't exist.
There was another you that used to walk beside me, but whoever you are now is stupid, and i feel sorry for anyone who ever has to come in contact with you.
And if ever you see me from afar in the future, I hope you feel a knot in your stomach and a pang of regret.
Because i'm so much more than you remember.
I'm so much more than you will ever deserve.
Happy late 22nd birthday to me.
that i would give it all up to be a part of this,
a part of you
and now its all too late
so you see, you could have helped if you had wanted to
but no one notices until its too late to do anything
I'm in desperate need of inspiration.
A truly hyperventilating, heart-wrenching, feels-like-your-soul-has-been-ripped-out-o
It's been so long since i've had one.
It's weird because i feel like i'm on the verge of something- kinda like you know you need to sneeze and the particles are tickling your nose, but you just can't quite let it out- that's kinda how it feels. Except the tickle is in my chest and in the back of my mind, i just need something to give it a little encouragement.
I'm so tired of feeling nothing.
"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."
Right now, just in this moment...
I have never seen myself as a writer more cleary.
Well, the cliche version of one, at least.
Computer in front of me. Coffee mug beside me, pile of books on the other. Scattered pens and pencils. An array of drafts of ideas...
And a small, oval-shaped vase- more so for my personal muse purposes. I have no idea why. For whatever reason, it's a comfort...
...And plenty of angst and inspiration to go along with all of that.
I have to do this.
My inspiration will flourish, and my book will come along one day.
In the "Fiction" section among the long list of authors whose last name begins with 'C'.
It won't be a work of art like Harry Potter or Twilight.
But still, it'll be there, hopefully inspiring someone. Anyone.
- Current Music:Travis- Why Does It Always Rain On Me?
Fictional books...well, fictional fantasy books, are meant to temporarily take you out of your world.
They like to say "let's go for a ride. i'll relieve you from normal everyday life".
But sometimes, they're too good at wisking you away, without promising to bring you back in one piece.
Which is much to their delight.
When that happens, they've served their purpose.
When that happens, they've reached your inner most soul, and deepest thoughts and desires.
There are those who would simply say "It was all untrue. Nothing in those stories could ever exist, and it was fun while it lasted, but it's time to move on."
Then there are those who get themselves in so deep, that they struggle to come back to the real world, because the world they enjoyed reading about, contains so much more than the real world could ever give them. They become greedy. Hungry.
And in that, they mourn.
I need something to look foward to everyday.
Something more than just the promise of an amazingly brilliant work of fiction to wake up to, just so i can jump back in and lose myself again.
It needs to be more than just knowing i have an hour worth of some nonsensical required class to attend. Or some project that needs to be finished. My sister to take care of. A new album to listen to. An old friend to see.
Usually, i wouldn't mind the routine. I would welcome it because of the degree of comfort it provided.
But there's something telling me that my routine isn't worth a damn. There's nothing exciting about what each new day holds, because i know it holds nothing different. There's not promise. And as cryptic as it may sound; obviously, i'm meant to be living. But for what, exactly? If each new day that comes along doesn't bring anything more than just the same old thing, the day only destined for me to repeat everything from the day before with no exact need for my use..then why?
Much of me is still yet to be put together, and i know time will eventually grant me some kind of reward for my patience. But exactly how long am i supposed to suffer from being incomplete? It's not just one thing i know i'm missing, it's so much more than that. More than i can explain.
I don't know how to handle it exactly. But i do know i have two choices.
I can come back to earth, suck it up, and be strong and silent, and stay in the shadows where i belong. Secretly suffering, yet remain ever so hopeful.
Or i can live in delusion. Happy as a clam, professing my firm belief that someday something is going to happen- something that will change everything. Something that'll quickly transfer me from my state of hallucination, to actual, real life happiness.
I don't know which is worse.
One unnecessary problem seems to be done and dealt with...
Now just a little more spring cleaning and i'll be even more free.
For a minute there, i thought i was gonna feel oppressed forever.
- Current Location:my room, as always.
- Current Mood: cheerful
- Current Music:David Bowie- Let's Dance!
Yet, i'm still desperately seeking the sun.
I feel like i'm on the very brink of inspiration...but i just can't let it out for some reason. There are so many things i'm thinking at once. I'll just make a list and see how that goes...
1. You're a friend. That's all. I'm tired of getting this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
2. I think i'm beginning to realize that a relationship between the medical field and i will never be. After working at the HEB Baby & Child Expo (at the March of Dimes booth with the director, who i must say is a very nice lady), i realized that i'd love to do something like that in the long run. When we first got there, those who were working had to check in and get their name-tags and in the process of doing so, i met and saw so many incredible people. I was completely in awe at all the people representing this insane array of companies.
"Hi, Tom Smith, Playschool"
"Lauren North, Mattel"
"Lisa Born, Leapfrog"
"Elise Samson, Disney"
All not the real reps, of course, but the companies..everything from Pampers, to Munchkin, Johnson & Johnson, McDonalds, Juicy-Juice, General Mills, and SO many more...it was crazy that all these people came from all over the US to come do this one Expo. The guys from Munchkin were set up right next to our booth and they were so nice. They donated sippy cups, bottles, and other stuff to our raffle basket, which made it alot more festive looking...and a greater prize, i might add.
So, after doing this, i think what i may ultimately end up doing is being a Public Relations Specialist. It incorporates everything i love doing. Expos like this, do marketing, keep up company image, and it has alot to do with media...it's such an exciting job. It's the first job i think about and REALLY get excited about doing. Plus, i already have more than half the training and qualifications down for the job. Ah, i'm so stoked.
3. Doug, if you still read this. I really miss you. You're supposed to be my BBBF and i haven't seen you in months. You're a million miles away. Alot has happened and i wish i still saw you everyday like at UTSA so i can tell you about everything as it comes cause you're the only person who always gives just the right reaction to all of my stories.
4. Well, it seems that March 18th was my lucky day. I had reponded to a contest Rachel Cohn had posted to win an autographed copy of her new book, and i totally won. Well, i was one out of 10, at least. I'm very excited to be recieving a copy soon. I've read great reviews so far.
5. I recently began reading these way-nerdy but incredibly addicting FF stories...and they made me totally sad. Sad and sometimes moody. But they're just fantasy stories and nothing in them will ever be true. And in a way that makes me sadder.
"Doesn't it scare you, your will is not as strong as it used to be?"
Is exactly what came to mind. I'm not as strong as i once was on the subject, but if it makes any sense, realizing my temporary (keyword being temporary), weakness, only gives me inspiration to be strong again, and this time, even stronger.
And with that, Jane Austen, you are my hero.
- Current Mood: contemplative