My heart is here now.

Sorry LJ. It's time to move on.

My stomach hasn't stopped hurting for 3 days...

with any luck, i'm perishing.

Or giving birth to Alien.

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Oh yes, it's also February the 13th. One of two of the shittiest days of the year.
I miss you, grandpa.

Number 2.
I'm finally ready to re-experience the heartbreak again.

Bring on the tissues.

It's taken me YEARS.

Years to realize just how big of a bastard you are.

And i never thought i'd say it, but i hate you.

I hate everything you stand for.

You used to be so eloquent and thoughtful. Now you're just like every other self-absorbed playboy-wannabe bastard out in this sucky world.

I don't ever wish to see you.

If ever have the misfortune of running into you on the street, and your pathetic gaze meets mine, i won't see you.

You know why?

Because you don't exist.

There was another you that used to walk beside me, but whoever you are now is stupid, and i feel sorry for anyone who ever has to come in contact with you.

And if ever you see me from afar in the future, I hope you feel a knot in your stomach and a pang of regret.

Because i'm so much more than you remember.

I'm so much more than you will ever deserve.

Oh yes.
Happy late 22nd birthday to me.

One unnecessary problem seems to be done and dealt with...
Now just a little more spring cleaning and i'll be even more free.

For a minute there, i thought i was gonna feel oppressed forever.
It's about.damn.time.

Yet, i'm still desperately seeking the sun.



I feel like i'm on the very brink of inspiration...but i just can't let it out for some reason. There are so many things i'm thinking at once. I'll just make a list and see how that goes...

1. You're a friend. That's all. I'm tired of getting this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

2. I think i'm beginning to realize that a relationship between the medical field and i will never be. After working at the HEB Baby & Child Expo (at the March of Dimes booth with the director, who i must say is a very nice lady), i realized that i'd love to do something like that in the long run. When we first got there, those who were working had to check in and get their name-tags and in the process of doing so, i met and saw so many incredible people. I was completely in awe at all the people representing this insane array of companies. 
"Hi, Tom Smith, Playschool"
"Lauren North, Mattel"
"Lisa Born, Leapfrog"
"Elise Samson, Disney"
All not the real reps, of course, but the companies..everything from Pampers, to Munchkin, Johnson & Johnson, McDonalds, Juicy-Juice, General Mills, and SO many more...it was crazy that all these people came from all over the US to come do this one Expo. The guys from Munchkin were set up right next to our booth and they were so nice. They donated sippy cups, bottles, and other stuff to our raffle basket, which made it alot more festive looking...and a greater prize, i might add.
So, after doing this, i think what i may ultimately end up doing is being a Public Relations Specialist. It incorporates everything i love doing. Expos like this, do marketing, keep up company image, and it has alot to do with media...it's such an exciting job. It's the first job i think about and REALLY get excited about doing. Plus, i already have more than half the training and qualifications down for the job. Ah, i'm so stoked.

3. Doug, if you still read this. I really miss you. You're supposed to be my BBBF and i haven't seen you in months. You're a million miles away. Alot has happened and i wish i still saw you everyday like at UTSA so i can tell you about everything as it comes cause you're the only person who always gives just the right reaction to all of my stories.

4. Well, it seems that March 18th was my lucky day. I had reponded to a contest Rachel Cohn had posted to win an autographed copy of her new book, and i totally won. Well, i was one out of 10, at least. I'm very excited to be recieving a copy soon. I've read great reviews so far.

5. I recently began reading these way-nerdy but incredibly addicting FF stories...and they made me totally sad. Sad and sometimes moody. But they're just fantasy stories and nothing in them will ever be true. And in a way that makes me sadder.
"Doesn't it scare you, your will is not as strong as it used to be?"
Is exactly what came to mind. I'm not as strong as i once was on the subject, but if it makes any sense, realizing my temporary (keyword being temporary), weakness, only gives me inspiration to be strong again, and this time, even stronger.
And with that, Jane Austen, you are my hero.

Sooo, i feel bad when i neglect to write. I've been neglecting my other physical journal as well. Makes me sad. But, hopefully i'll be able to keep track now.
Well, Kim and i have been going to the gym 2-3 times a week, and it's almost to the point where we're past all the pain you first get when you haven't worked out in a while. Now it's starting to feel good. We crack up everytime cause we're just learning how to use all the equipment that aren't treadmills, steppers, or bikes, and the guys will (sometimes) help, or other times will just watch and see how long it takes us to figure it out. I feel dumb about it sometimes, but Kim makes me feel better because she has the kind of attitude where she doesn't care about  what anyone thinks, and she'll do pretty much anything. She's alot of fun to hang out with and i hate to say i never realized it in high school quite as much as i do now. I guess because now it's one-on-one and not with a group.
The gym's such a good place to meet boys, too. Alot of them are so handsome. Too bad i'm the one looking and she can't look with me :( . Ah well, it happen when it's meant to happen. I guess i have more waiting to do in that department.
More waiting.
and waiting.
and waiting.  
Anyway, the gym thing is a good routine, and i like it alot. Good times.

School is alright. I've passed all my tests so far. But, i'm currently waiting for the results of a lab test that i took thursday. It was a toughie. Biology is an alright class. I wish it weren't so long, but some of the people in there make it fun. I started talking to Arlene again, too, so it's getting better. I knew her freshman year of high school cause she was in band, but she quit sophomore year, and we kinda didn't  keep in touch. We just realized who the other person was on tuesday. She stopped me and told me she liked my necklace and asked where i got it, then asked if i went to high school with her. She looks like one of those people that judges you in silence cause they don't talk and always have an annoyed look on their face, but she's nice. I also talk to Diana and Vanessa alot, and once in a great while Thomas will pop in, or the other guys that sit in front of me. I forget their names. Labs are fun cause it's the time where we all get to talk, be confused about the lab, and crack up about it. It's a good class, i just have to keep up with the studying cause it's pretty tough.
Philosophy is alright. It gets boring pretty fast, but there's this guy that sits behind me that i talk to, and he's pretty amusing. There's pretty much nothing else to that class, though. The mornings are fun, though. I get to pick up sabby, my love, MWF and we listen to 'weird' music. We get to school and go hang with Amanda and Isaiah. And sometimes Steven, Cyn, and CJ will come. It's a good ol' time. Amanda's a dork like me, so we 'watch for photojournalists in the bushes' and recite theme songs. Today we sang the mail song from Blue's Clue's, random parts of the Teletubbies, and stuff from The Princess Bride (Props to sabby for making isaiah finally watch it and see himself on the big screen as Inigo Montoya), and Stick It (Dogs are people too, Hailey!) That was fun.

OH! Sabby and i were walking towards the school from the parking lot and Raul drives up out of nowhere, sticks half his body out the door and screams 'Hey baby! How much?'  I was like stfu. There were people around, and it was kinda embarrassing.

Last saturday was fun, too. I finally got to hang out with Erica and Ant. I wish Donna would've come too, that skanky Asian. I miss her, but noooo. Dumb boyfriend. It was fun going to get Erica, though. We (sorta) kidnapped her from HEB, but helped her arrange all the cakes and cookies in the bakery first, so that her process of cleaning it would be hurried along. (lol, Ant, remember the manager? "who was that guy checkin' you out when you were bending over arranging the doughnuts?") Afterwards, we were gonna go bowling, but it was packed so we tried going to Lazer Quest instead, but SOMEBODY didn't want to play in flip-flops, so we had to leave there and Erica was hungry, so she suggested Hooters. Of course Erica would suggest Hooters. Sluuut. (just kidding Erica, i love you.) Anyway, she finally decided on Olive Garden. That food is so much better when eaten at 10 at night (and with a cherry italian soda). SO good.
Hopefully we'll do something like that again soon.

Anyway. I feel a little better now that i updated, and hopefully it won't take me a thousand years to update again.

I don't understand why i've been so lazy and haven't updated this thing in weeks. I wasn't really planning to do one now, but i guess i will since i have nothing better to do.
Yesterday i was in a crappy mood. As i explained it to Matt;
"Have you ever had the feeling your heart just stopped beating and you're not really living?"
that's how i've felt for a while now.
And i liked his respose. A very stubtle "Don't worry about it, yo." Along with some other ramblings and an explaination about how summer makes everyone feel lazy and bumish.
He's right, though. I know once i get back to school, it'll feel different. I won't have my sister on my back 24/7, and i'll be 'free' again.
We'll see, though.

Sooo Erica, Ant, and I went to Warped '07 last friday and had the coolest time. Mostly. The heat was horrible and i came home fried to a crisp, but it was pretty much worth it. I got to meet Cute Is What We Aim For. And i totally know all my friends are tired of hearing about it, but it's my first band meeting, so give me a break. Anyway, ever since Cute's 'Curse of Curves' video came out, i've been lusting over Shaants lips. There's just something about them that makes me just want to stare at them for hours. After finally waiting like 30 minutes in line (and missing Yellowcard's performance), i finally got the booth and declared my enthusiasm for their wonderful music. To my suprise, Shaant totally stuck out his hand for my to shake, and i swear, as cheesy as it sounds, i was totally grateful that i was pulled into his world of 'rockstardom' for just a second. He's a very nice guy. I also got to take a peek at Yellowcard and The Starting Line as they signed autographs, but figured as long as i had Cute's, i was a-ok, and didn't want to take the time to get in line for theirs.
Throughout the day i was able to catch performances by Bayside, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Anberlin, Boys Like Girls, Pepper (which consists of a band of TOTALLY obscene dudes), Coheed and Cambria, Paramore, and New Found Glory. I have to say, NFG was my favorite performace. They mentioned that had a new album full of covers coming out soon, and then proceeded to perform their cover of 'Kiss Me' by Sixpence None the Richer. I LOVED it. It was this punked out version, and i completely let loose. They also played alot of their oldies but goodies like 'My Friends Over You', 'Head-on Collision', and fairly new stuff like 'All Downhill From Here'. They were so good. The one band i was disappointed in was The Spill Canvas who DID NOT play 'All Hail The Heartbreaker' ( we missed them anyway, but i was sad to hear they didn't perform it'). I also had a bone to pick with Boys Like Girls. For WEEKS i pictured myself jamming near the pit to 'Heels Over Head' and to my disappointment, they performed under a somewhat enclosed theater-like stage, so i wasn't able to get all the way down the 50 billion rows to the bottom of the stage in time to jam. I also met a couple of bands just starting out. Hailing from New Zealand, a band called Conquest, was one of them. Their lead guitarist (?)  was a very nice little guy with a very nice accent. They had the cutest album set up. It was a booklet that told a story. EricaG bought it-like she did cd's from all the other bands who came up to us (probably since she was the richest among all three of us.) I also got to meet the main blogger and fellow team-member of 11:11AM (1111am.com), Amsa, i think is her name. She was so upbeat, considering she had been sitting there by her lonesome for a while. We also met another very nice gal from an all-girl runned company called Sugar Hooker (sugarhooker.com). Ant and i thought her hair was so adorable, and i know if i were petite and white, i'd want to look like her, so i was pretty jealous. Anyway, i think we all pretty much had a blast. I'm paying for this sunburn, though. It hurts like a bitch. And i'm so discolored, i want to chop off my arms.


Anyway, the real reason i meant to post was to tell everyone who cares to read this about my new blog at blogspot.
http://skeeter24.blogspot.com/
I'll still update this one, of course, because this one is my more private one. The other is merely for purposes of amusement. So check it out, and i'll amuse you.

All i need are eyes, a line for a mouth, and a couple of bolts on the sides and that's what my damn blended finger looks like.

I'm a dumbass.